" Hanya pemberitahuan sajah "
Maaf...saya hari ini madol kerja lagi...saya memang karyawan tidak teladan tahun ini...tapi saya di rumah saja kok, buat layout ini...lumayanlah ada pembaruan sedikit...tapi maaf yah, saya jadi bolos karena sedang mood bikin ini...dan saya kalo sedang mood tidak bisa dan tidak mau diberhentikan...lain kali tidak deh...janji...Besok saya masuk deh...bukan untuk menebus hari ini sih, tapi karena besok ada liputan, jadi tidak mungkin saya bolos lagi kan? Ya sudah...cuma mau kasih pengumuman saja saya melakukan apa hari ini...
Friday, September 19, 2003
Saturday, September 13, 2003
Nice to meet You!
" Nice to meet You! "
Wah gile...udah lama juga ngga isi weblog...pas sebulan ternyata. Lagi 'ngerasa' stuck karena boring banget dengan rutinitas. Kemarin2 sempet kepikiran hiatus (selamanya), karena setelah dua minggu lepas dari komputer dan Internet, hidup berasa lebih damai dan teratur.
Tidur mulai bisa di bawah jam satu, setidaknya dipaksain jam 12 udah ngga mau liat TV. Udah bisa bangun jam 4.00 trus lanjut shalat Subuh yang biasanya selalu (di)lewat(in). MESKIPUN, tetep bangun siang (karena tidur lagi) dan berangkat ke kantor pas tengah hari bolong. Sempet juga ngerasain kalo ternyata bangun pagi itu nikmat juga, otak seger dan penuh ide.
Ngga berasa ada yang hilang sih selama hampir sebulan bisa dibilang cuma 2 kali gue di depan komputer sampai pagi. Itupun karena gue ngga bisa tidur mikirin Guestbook dan Archives Blogger yang ngga beres-2. Tapi setidaknya ngga se-addicted dulu. Sehari ngga megang komputer, berasa ada sesuatu yang hilang. Sehari ngga kepikiran mau nulis Blog apa hari ini, juga ngga papa. Padahal setelah set back, ternyata baru sadar betapa buang-buang waktunya gue di depan komputer sampai pagi setiap harinya. Meskipun ada yang dikerjain, ternyata ada hal-hal yang justru lebih penting yang malah kelewat.
Menarik juga sih (terus) ngerasain perubahan diri sendiri, dari yang super berantakan jadi 'agak' lebih teratur, meskipun hanya sekedar merubah jam tidur. Setidaknya, BERHASIL melawan kebiasaan dan isi kepala yang mau enaknya aja ini, cukup membanggakan buat gue sendiri. Satu pencapaian lah istilahnya.
Tapi emang dasar gue yang ngga pernah puas dan konsisten kali yah? Belakangan, mulai kumat lagi perasaan boring-nya. Hidup kayaknya kok stuck di satu titik. Ngga maju, ngga mundur, tapi juga tidak menghasilkan sesuatu yang kongkrit. Gue ngga menyelesaikan website gue, ngga buat tulisan baru (meskipun hanya satu puisi), ngga bikin blog, ngga bikin design, ngga gambar, ngga motret, ngga baca buku. Gue pun mulai merasa tidak pede dengan diri sendiri.
Ternyata tanpa sadar, gue men-setting pikiran bahwa pencapaian hidup selalu diukur dari sesuatu yang kongkrit, yang nyata, yang terlihat. Gue lupa, bahwa akhir-akhir ini gue punya banyak waktu buat Bokap-Nyokap, ngelakuin ibadah bareng buat persiapan Haji tahun depan, atau sekedar ritual meja makan setelah pulang kantor. Gue bisa menikmati kebersamaan bareng Nyokap, waktu bantuin cariin ubannya. Gue memang tetep punya waktu buat nongkrongin Regal, ngopi di Bakoel, dan hunting duren Montong bareng sahabat2 gue, tapi sekarang gue ngga cuma ngobrol dan denger selintas tentang cerita masing2, tapi juga menikmati isi pembicaraan dan kualitas hubungan kita. Betapa jalannya hidup kadang tidak terduga dan membuat kita takut terhadap apa yang ada di depan kita. Betapa kita, mau tidak mau, harus beradaptasi terhadap tanggung jawab yang semakin bertambah, tetapi kita juga tidak mau kehilangan diri kita sendiri. Kita mulai banyak membahas what life is for EXACTLY and to what direction we will go.
Di tengah keboringan dan keringnya ide, gue melewatkan hari dengan mencoba lebih intens mengenal Tuhan, membuka diri, dan merasakan proses bagaimana sulitnya merubah hati (tanpa ada campur tangan-Nya). Mencari bentuk hubungan yang bagaimana yang harus gue miliki, karena gue baru sadar, selama ini gue cuma memfokuskan pada keinginan2 gue aja. Di saat everything seems not right, gue merasa cape sendiri. Gue mulai MEMAKAI HATI dan BUKAN hanya otak untuk mencoba menyelami sifat-sifat-Nya. Gue coba perbaiki fikiran dan perlakuan jelek gue pada-Nya, coba lebih menerima dan tidak menuntut.
Memang tidak ada lagi yang ingin gue raih dalam hidup yang berkaitan dengan karir. Gue sudah merasa cukup dikasih pekerjaan yang baik, dikasih banyak modal untuk mengoptimalkan diri, kalaupun masalah finansial agak mulai mengganggu, itu bukan jadi masalah, karena ada banyak jalan yang bisa dicoba. Tetapi ada satu hal yang benar-benar menguras begitu banyak energi gue. Sesuatu hal yang ingin gue miliki untuk masuk ke dalam fase berikutnya dalam hidup gue, menikah.
Sungguh pun, bukan masalah umur atau tekanan sekitar yang menjadi persoalan. Tetapi, ada satu hal dimana untuk masalah perasaan, gue ngga mau gegabah. Banyak yang bilang gue picky, tapi ya ngga juga, karena ini masalah hati dan kenyamanan, bukan sekedar selera. Gue merasa lebih hidup kalau pendamping gue juga hidup. Gue akan dingin, kalau pendamping itu dingin. Dan dingin cuma membuat gue bosan. Gue butuh pemicu yang membuat gue bisa melesat ke langit dengan tetap menjejakkan kaki di bumi. Gue butuh 'lighter' yang mampu menyalakan api dalam diri gue, yang membuat hangat, tetapi tidak membakar dan menghanguskan kita berdua. Lighter atau pemantik yang memiliki hal-hal yang gue butuhkan dalam hidup. Karena hidup tidak berhenti sampai disini.
Dan Tuhan telah menghadirkan si pemantik itu dalam hidup gue. Gue benar-benar telah mendapatkan apa yang gue butuhkan melalui dirinya. Tetapi, sesuatu yang berharga tidak akan diperoleh dengan begitu mudah. Gue merasakannya. Proses yang harus dijalani terkadang (sering!) membuat cape batin dan fikiran. Dan keinginan yang sangat kuat untuk memilikinya, berpengaruh langsung dengan hubungan gue dan Tuhan.
Baru gue sadari, setiap kali sesuatu tidak berjalan seperti apa yang gue inginkan, langsung gue berfikiran buruk bahwa Tuhan sebenarnya tidak setuju dengan pilihan gue. Bahwa bisa jadi 'usaha-usaha' gue untuk mencapainya, tidak berakhir happy ending.
Proses yang lama dan panjang ini membuat gue tidak sabar. Antara marah dan menyerah, berontak dan tidak berdaya, gue seperti terpenjara oleh keinginan untuk mendapatkan, tetapi juga frustasi yang semakin dalam. Hubungan gue dan Tuhan diliputi ketidakpercayaan dan dilema. Gue ingin meminta sesuatu, sesuatu yang begitu ingin gue miliki, tetapi malah semakin membuat gue ketakutan tidak akan diberi. Dimana gue tahu syarat terkabulnya doa adalah yakin, ndilalah gue sulit sekali membuang ketidakyakinan ini. Parahnya, gue mulai berfikir jangan-jangan ketidakyakinan ini muncul karena memang Tuhan sengaja menutupnya, supaya gue melupakan keinginan-keinginan gue. Fikiran buruk yang selalu muncul begitu aja dan tidak bisa gue lawan. Dan itu semakin menutup keyakinan dan rasa optimis gue sebelumnya. Ketakutan itu lalu bertambah-tambah karena gue takut dengan kemarahan Tuhan atas perlakuan gue terhadap-Nya.
Kemudian, pada saat yang tidak terlalu lama, di antara kecemasan, gue dibukakan untuk tahu jawabannya. Baru gue sadar bahwa hati benar-benar memiliki banyak sisi seperti bongkahan berlian. Bergeser sedikit cara melihatnya, maka yang dirasakan dan yang dilihat pun sudah berbeda. Dan gue baru sadar, bahwa Iman, hikmah, atau hidayah, sungguh mahal harganya. Tidak semua orang mendapatkannya, karena itu hak prerogratif Tuhan. Sekali diberi tetapi tidak dirawat, maka akan begitu mudahnya semua itu diambil lagi oleh-Nya. Dan orang yang tertutup hatinya setelah diberi hidayah, hidupnya melebihi kesia-siaan orang yang tidak diberi sama sekali. How scary.
Gue yang tadinya merasa berhak atas hidup gue, atas pilihan-pilihan gue, atas mendominasinya otak dan logika terhadap hati, ternyata baru dibukakan bahwa sesungguhnya gue tidak punya apa-apa di hadapan-Nya, bahkan juga cinta yang selama ini gue yakini merupakan milik gue yang terbesar. Tidak juga keyakinan dan Iman yang membuat gue dengan bangganya merasa berhak mendapatkan, bahkan memaksakan keinginan karena merasa telah berkorban untuk-Nya. Damn! Betapa memalukannya menjadi seseorang yang tidak punya apa-apa tapi MERASA punya! Harusnya gue yang mesti berterima kasih, karena tanpa Kemurahan-Nya gue ngga mungkin bisa seperti ini!
------ pause ------
Begitu banyak yang gue dapat sebulan ini, dan begitu banyak pelajaran yang diberikan ke gue. Hanya sebulan setelah peperangan sengit (terakhir) antara hati dan fikiran, dimana akhirnya dimenangkan oleh Sang Empunya hati dan fikiran itu sendiri. Gue cukup beruntung tidak perlu dijedorin ke tembok dan benjol dulu untuk tahu bahwa yang gue lakuin itu salah. Persepsi gue tentang pencapaian-pencapaian hidup menjadi tidak berarti apa-apa, karena semuanya pada dasarnya bukan milik gue. Gue cuma dipinjamkan sebentar untuk suatu saat diambil lagi, dan dimintai pertanggungjawaban.
Kesimpulan, hidup semata hanya proses hubungan naik-turun antara Tuhan dan manusia. Proses yang tidak akan pernah berhenti kecuali saat kita mati. Yang pasti, sungguh sangat indahnya ketika dapat kesempatan berkenalan dengan Tuhan.
Kalau mau tau apa yang menyebabkan proses itu terjadi dengan cepat, dzikir jawabannya. Gue merasakan benar-benar, bahwa dzikir lah yang membuat hubungan gue dan Tuhan jadi membaik. Seorang teman yang tau masalah krisis kepercayaan gue, menganjurkan untuk memperbaiki diri gue dulu (sebelum minta dikabulkan) dengan belajar konsentrasi. Dia menganjurkan meditasi, dengan mengosongkan fikiran, memusatkannya ke hati, dan diam. Tetapi karena duduk diam malah bikin gue ketiduran, akhirnya gue coba2 dzikir aja sambil membiarkan isi kepala berperang dengan hati.
Sangat berat untuk mencoba ikhlas dan menerima APAPUN keputusan Tuhan mengenai soal yang satu ini, about love and soulmate. Teori memang di luar kepala, tetapi bagaimana menyerahkan semua kepada Yang di Atas, bahkan belajar untuk tidak memiliki keinginan, adalah sungguh amat sangat beratnya! Apalagi gue terlahir dengan cap keras kepala bin keras hati, yang kalo udah mau satu, ya satu, ngga mau yang lain. Apapun akan gue cari jalannya. Mungkin untuk hal-hal lain gue bisa menjadi orang yang sangat pengalah, tapi tidak yang ini.
Sedikit demi sedikit kegiatan yang semula cuma jadi ritual (kadangpun tergantung mood), akhirnya jadi suatu kebutuhan. Perlahan-lahan, (ini kali kedua) gue merasakan perubahan drastis yang terjadi. Hati gue yang semula seperti batu, keras dan dingin, tidak disangka-sangka mencair seperti air. Begitu saja. Seperti kekuatan setetes air yang mampu menghancurkan batu, hantaman kalimat dzikir secara terus-menerus ke hati, menjadi suatu kekuatan yang menjalar dan meliputi seluruh tubuh. Efeknya terasa sekarang2 ini. Gue optimis sekarang, ngga takut dan khawatir lagi. Gue tetap minta dikabulkan, tapi udah bisa ikhlas apapun hasil akhirnya. Toh, tanpa bersama si pemantik ini, hidup gue sendiri sudah merupakan miracle, so ngga ada yang perlu disesalin.
Thanks sooo much, God! I mean it!
Wah gile...udah lama juga ngga isi weblog...pas sebulan ternyata. Lagi 'ngerasa' stuck karena boring banget dengan rutinitas. Kemarin2 sempet kepikiran hiatus (selamanya), karena setelah dua minggu lepas dari komputer dan Internet, hidup berasa lebih damai dan teratur.
Tidur mulai bisa di bawah jam satu, setidaknya dipaksain jam 12 udah ngga mau liat TV. Udah bisa bangun jam 4.00 trus lanjut shalat Subuh yang biasanya selalu (di)lewat(in). MESKIPUN, tetep bangun siang (karena tidur lagi) dan berangkat ke kantor pas tengah hari bolong. Sempet juga ngerasain kalo ternyata bangun pagi itu nikmat juga, otak seger dan penuh ide.
Ngga berasa ada yang hilang sih selama hampir sebulan bisa dibilang cuma 2 kali gue di depan komputer sampai pagi. Itupun karena gue ngga bisa tidur mikirin Guestbook dan Archives Blogger yang ngga beres-2. Tapi setidaknya ngga se-addicted dulu. Sehari ngga megang komputer, berasa ada sesuatu yang hilang. Sehari ngga kepikiran mau nulis Blog apa hari ini, juga ngga papa. Padahal setelah set back, ternyata baru sadar betapa buang-buang waktunya gue di depan komputer sampai pagi setiap harinya. Meskipun ada yang dikerjain, ternyata ada hal-hal yang justru lebih penting yang malah kelewat.
Menarik juga sih (terus) ngerasain perubahan diri sendiri, dari yang super berantakan jadi 'agak' lebih teratur, meskipun hanya sekedar merubah jam tidur. Setidaknya, BERHASIL melawan kebiasaan dan isi kepala yang mau enaknya aja ini, cukup membanggakan buat gue sendiri. Satu pencapaian lah istilahnya.
Tapi emang dasar gue yang ngga pernah puas dan konsisten kali yah? Belakangan, mulai kumat lagi perasaan boring-nya. Hidup kayaknya kok stuck di satu titik. Ngga maju, ngga mundur, tapi juga tidak menghasilkan sesuatu yang kongkrit. Gue ngga menyelesaikan website gue, ngga buat tulisan baru (meskipun hanya satu puisi), ngga bikin blog, ngga bikin design, ngga gambar, ngga motret, ngga baca buku. Gue pun mulai merasa tidak pede dengan diri sendiri.
Ternyata tanpa sadar, gue men-setting pikiran bahwa pencapaian hidup selalu diukur dari sesuatu yang kongkrit, yang nyata, yang terlihat. Gue lupa, bahwa akhir-akhir ini gue punya banyak waktu buat Bokap-Nyokap, ngelakuin ibadah bareng buat persiapan Haji tahun depan, atau sekedar ritual meja makan setelah pulang kantor. Gue bisa menikmati kebersamaan bareng Nyokap, waktu bantuin cariin ubannya. Gue memang tetep punya waktu buat nongkrongin Regal, ngopi di Bakoel, dan hunting duren Montong bareng sahabat2 gue, tapi sekarang gue ngga cuma ngobrol dan denger selintas tentang cerita masing2, tapi juga menikmati isi pembicaraan dan kualitas hubungan kita. Betapa jalannya hidup kadang tidak terduga dan membuat kita takut terhadap apa yang ada di depan kita. Betapa kita, mau tidak mau, harus beradaptasi terhadap tanggung jawab yang semakin bertambah, tetapi kita juga tidak mau kehilangan diri kita sendiri. Kita mulai banyak membahas what life is for EXACTLY and to what direction we will go.
Di tengah keboringan dan keringnya ide, gue melewatkan hari dengan mencoba lebih intens mengenal Tuhan, membuka diri, dan merasakan proses bagaimana sulitnya merubah hati (tanpa ada campur tangan-Nya). Mencari bentuk hubungan yang bagaimana yang harus gue miliki, karena gue baru sadar, selama ini gue cuma memfokuskan pada keinginan2 gue aja. Di saat everything seems not right, gue merasa cape sendiri. Gue mulai MEMAKAI HATI dan BUKAN hanya otak untuk mencoba menyelami sifat-sifat-Nya. Gue coba perbaiki fikiran dan perlakuan jelek gue pada-Nya, coba lebih menerima dan tidak menuntut.
Memang tidak ada lagi yang ingin gue raih dalam hidup yang berkaitan dengan karir. Gue sudah merasa cukup dikasih pekerjaan yang baik, dikasih banyak modal untuk mengoptimalkan diri, kalaupun masalah finansial agak mulai mengganggu, itu bukan jadi masalah, karena ada banyak jalan yang bisa dicoba. Tetapi ada satu hal yang benar-benar menguras begitu banyak energi gue. Sesuatu hal yang ingin gue miliki untuk masuk ke dalam fase berikutnya dalam hidup gue, menikah.
Sungguh pun, bukan masalah umur atau tekanan sekitar yang menjadi persoalan. Tetapi, ada satu hal dimana untuk masalah perasaan, gue ngga mau gegabah. Banyak yang bilang gue picky, tapi ya ngga juga, karena ini masalah hati dan kenyamanan, bukan sekedar selera. Gue merasa lebih hidup kalau pendamping gue juga hidup. Gue akan dingin, kalau pendamping itu dingin. Dan dingin cuma membuat gue bosan. Gue butuh pemicu yang membuat gue bisa melesat ke langit dengan tetap menjejakkan kaki di bumi. Gue butuh 'lighter' yang mampu menyalakan api dalam diri gue, yang membuat hangat, tetapi tidak membakar dan menghanguskan kita berdua. Lighter atau pemantik yang memiliki hal-hal yang gue butuhkan dalam hidup. Karena hidup tidak berhenti sampai disini.
Dan Tuhan telah menghadirkan si pemantik itu dalam hidup gue. Gue benar-benar telah mendapatkan apa yang gue butuhkan melalui dirinya. Tetapi, sesuatu yang berharga tidak akan diperoleh dengan begitu mudah. Gue merasakannya. Proses yang harus dijalani terkadang (sering!) membuat cape batin dan fikiran. Dan keinginan yang sangat kuat untuk memilikinya, berpengaruh langsung dengan hubungan gue dan Tuhan.
Baru gue sadari, setiap kali sesuatu tidak berjalan seperti apa yang gue inginkan, langsung gue berfikiran buruk bahwa Tuhan sebenarnya tidak setuju dengan pilihan gue. Bahwa bisa jadi 'usaha-usaha' gue untuk mencapainya, tidak berakhir happy ending.
Proses yang lama dan panjang ini membuat gue tidak sabar. Antara marah dan menyerah, berontak dan tidak berdaya, gue seperti terpenjara oleh keinginan untuk mendapatkan, tetapi juga frustasi yang semakin dalam. Hubungan gue dan Tuhan diliputi ketidakpercayaan dan dilema. Gue ingin meminta sesuatu, sesuatu yang begitu ingin gue miliki, tetapi malah semakin membuat gue ketakutan tidak akan diberi. Dimana gue tahu syarat terkabulnya doa adalah yakin, ndilalah gue sulit sekali membuang ketidakyakinan ini. Parahnya, gue mulai berfikir jangan-jangan ketidakyakinan ini muncul karena memang Tuhan sengaja menutupnya, supaya gue melupakan keinginan-keinginan gue. Fikiran buruk yang selalu muncul begitu aja dan tidak bisa gue lawan. Dan itu semakin menutup keyakinan dan rasa optimis gue sebelumnya. Ketakutan itu lalu bertambah-tambah karena gue takut dengan kemarahan Tuhan atas perlakuan gue terhadap-Nya.
Kemudian, pada saat yang tidak terlalu lama, di antara kecemasan, gue dibukakan untuk tahu jawabannya. Baru gue sadar bahwa hati benar-benar memiliki banyak sisi seperti bongkahan berlian. Bergeser sedikit cara melihatnya, maka yang dirasakan dan yang dilihat pun sudah berbeda. Dan gue baru sadar, bahwa Iman, hikmah, atau hidayah, sungguh mahal harganya. Tidak semua orang mendapatkannya, karena itu hak prerogratif Tuhan. Sekali diberi tetapi tidak dirawat, maka akan begitu mudahnya semua itu diambil lagi oleh-Nya. Dan orang yang tertutup hatinya setelah diberi hidayah, hidupnya melebihi kesia-siaan orang yang tidak diberi sama sekali. How scary.
Gue yang tadinya merasa berhak atas hidup gue, atas pilihan-pilihan gue, atas mendominasinya otak dan logika terhadap hati, ternyata baru dibukakan bahwa sesungguhnya gue tidak punya apa-apa di hadapan-Nya, bahkan juga cinta yang selama ini gue yakini merupakan milik gue yang terbesar. Tidak juga keyakinan dan Iman yang membuat gue dengan bangganya merasa berhak mendapatkan, bahkan memaksakan keinginan karena merasa telah berkorban untuk-Nya. Damn! Betapa memalukannya menjadi seseorang yang tidak punya apa-apa tapi MERASA punya! Harusnya gue yang mesti berterima kasih, karena tanpa Kemurahan-Nya gue ngga mungkin bisa seperti ini!
------ pause ------
Begitu banyak yang gue dapat sebulan ini, dan begitu banyak pelajaran yang diberikan ke gue. Hanya sebulan setelah peperangan sengit (terakhir) antara hati dan fikiran, dimana akhirnya dimenangkan oleh Sang Empunya hati dan fikiran itu sendiri. Gue cukup beruntung tidak perlu dijedorin ke tembok dan benjol dulu untuk tahu bahwa yang gue lakuin itu salah. Persepsi gue tentang pencapaian-pencapaian hidup menjadi tidak berarti apa-apa, karena semuanya pada dasarnya bukan milik gue. Gue cuma dipinjamkan sebentar untuk suatu saat diambil lagi, dan dimintai pertanggungjawaban.
Kesimpulan, hidup semata hanya proses hubungan naik-turun antara Tuhan dan manusia. Proses yang tidak akan pernah berhenti kecuali saat kita mati. Yang pasti, sungguh sangat indahnya ketika dapat kesempatan berkenalan dengan Tuhan.
Kalau mau tau apa yang menyebabkan proses itu terjadi dengan cepat, dzikir jawabannya. Gue merasakan benar-benar, bahwa dzikir lah yang membuat hubungan gue dan Tuhan jadi membaik. Seorang teman yang tau masalah krisis kepercayaan gue, menganjurkan untuk memperbaiki diri gue dulu (sebelum minta dikabulkan) dengan belajar konsentrasi. Dia menganjurkan meditasi, dengan mengosongkan fikiran, memusatkannya ke hati, dan diam. Tetapi karena duduk diam malah bikin gue ketiduran, akhirnya gue coba2 dzikir aja sambil membiarkan isi kepala berperang dengan hati.
Sangat berat untuk mencoba ikhlas dan menerima APAPUN keputusan Tuhan mengenai soal yang satu ini, about love and soulmate. Teori memang di luar kepala, tetapi bagaimana menyerahkan semua kepada Yang di Atas, bahkan belajar untuk tidak memiliki keinginan, adalah sungguh amat sangat beratnya! Apalagi gue terlahir dengan cap keras kepala bin keras hati, yang kalo udah mau satu, ya satu, ngga mau yang lain. Apapun akan gue cari jalannya. Mungkin untuk hal-hal lain gue bisa menjadi orang yang sangat pengalah, tapi tidak yang ini.
Sedikit demi sedikit kegiatan yang semula cuma jadi ritual (kadangpun tergantung mood), akhirnya jadi suatu kebutuhan. Perlahan-lahan, (ini kali kedua) gue merasakan perubahan drastis yang terjadi. Hati gue yang semula seperti batu, keras dan dingin, tidak disangka-sangka mencair seperti air. Begitu saja. Seperti kekuatan setetes air yang mampu menghancurkan batu, hantaman kalimat dzikir secara terus-menerus ke hati, menjadi suatu kekuatan yang menjalar dan meliputi seluruh tubuh. Efeknya terasa sekarang2 ini. Gue optimis sekarang, ngga takut dan khawatir lagi. Gue tetap minta dikabulkan, tapi udah bisa ikhlas apapun hasil akhirnya. Toh, tanpa bersama si pemantik ini, hidup gue sendiri sudah merupakan miracle, so ngga ada yang perlu disesalin.
Thanks sooo much, God! I mean it!
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
Tired Out
" Tired Out "
Tolong...semua-mua lagi pada ngaco di mermaidslife...blah! Ya guesbook lah yang file index.lck nya ngilang (anyone? :(), weblog juga...uh! Apalagi paling bete-in benerin Archives-nya Blogger yang dari dulu pasti problemnya disitu terus...hmmppfffhhh...tau ah! gak mood!
Sok-sok an ikutan kompetisi Web Design-nya Adikarya Design Indonesia...padahal masih nge-blank abis gini! Gak tau mau bikin apa, seminggu lagi batas akhir uploadnya...Hmmm...sebenernya, design bisa diakalin...tapi content-nya itu yang mesti bahasa inggris...mati gue! kalo inggris pasar sih jabanin...:(
Akhirnya, habis sudah edisi perjuangan Maestro yang gue garap...tinggal sisa-sisa-nya nambah-2 dikit...gile, cape juga ngebut bikin episode politik kayak gitu...orang-orangnya berattt....mana promo-nya kenceng banget lagi! Tambah senewen aja...Minggu besok giliran Bung Karno yang tayang, hari ini ngga berhasil minta komentar Rachmawati, ngga siap katanya...padahal dah lama juga surat ijinnya dikirim...hmmm...besok hunting lagi nih...
Duh...liburan enak nih kayaknya...
Tolong...semua-mua lagi pada ngaco di mermaidslife...blah! Ya guesbook lah yang file index.lck nya ngilang (anyone? :(), weblog juga...uh! Apalagi paling bete-in benerin Archives-nya Blogger yang dari dulu pasti problemnya disitu terus...hmmppfffhhh...tau ah! gak mood!
Sok-sok an ikutan kompetisi Web Design-nya Adikarya Design Indonesia...padahal masih nge-blank abis gini! Gak tau mau bikin apa, seminggu lagi batas akhir uploadnya...Hmmm...sebenernya, design bisa diakalin...tapi content-nya itu yang mesti bahasa inggris...mati gue! kalo inggris pasar sih jabanin...:(
Akhirnya, habis sudah edisi perjuangan Maestro yang gue garap...tinggal sisa-sisa-nya nambah-2 dikit...gile, cape juga ngebut bikin episode politik kayak gitu...orang-orangnya berattt....mana promo-nya kenceng banget lagi! Tambah senewen aja...Minggu besok giliran Bung Karno yang tayang, hari ini ngga berhasil minta komentar Rachmawati, ngga siap katanya...padahal dah lama juga surat ijinnya dikirim...hmmm...besok hunting lagi nih...
Duh...liburan enak nih kayaknya...
Saturday, August 02, 2003
" Zombie Wannabe"
Yabedabedooo!! Mermaidslife's Gallery is up now! It contains Sketch, Snapshots, and Deezign, some of my inspiration showcase.
And proudly to say, I made the finishing cut for Maestro's tonight episode, M. Natsir, that will be running today, Sunday, Aug 3, 10.05-10.30 pm, Metro TV. THAT has made me staying awake for 34 hours last Thursday-Friday! Hell, it was the longest time I don't sleep at all! Hehe funny, because I can too sleep all day long like, Indonesian will say, 'Kerbau', or means Buffalo!)
That happened because my producer had to held some important meeting the next day, and nobody but me could replace him, as I was the one who was in charge completing this episode. He's already made the rough cut and I just have to add some more pictures to some scenes.
What stressing me out was the importance of this episode. Firstly, I never did the post-production work before. The farthest I've done was just collecting the interviewing scenes and deliver it to my producer who then make the rough cut (with editors), then finalize and deliver it to Metro. I write the synopsis sometimes, but not too necessary, sometimes my producer writes himself.
Sec, Natsir is one of the "Independence Day Theme" episodes, that profiling some of Founding Fathers who declared and involved in managing the independence of Indonesia, like Hamengkubuwono IX, Soekarno, Hatta, Sjahrir. So, the profile himself gave the extent to my tension!
He was our First Information Minister at 1946; the founded Prime Minister at 1949 (I forgot the exact time); Leader of Masyumi, the only Islamic Party at 1955, and the most important role of Islamic leader, in Indonesia and abroad. Some of his thought was adapted by Amien Rais, Nurcholish Madjid, and Yusril Ihza Mahendra. (They will be on screen, giving their opinion about Natsir, together with Rosihan Anwar, Deliar Noer, Husein Umar (Secretary of 'Dewan Dakwah', the Islamic organization Natsir's formed), and his son, Fauzie Natsir). To know who they are, just referring to Google to find out.
So I should screen over some reference books about him and the related history, putting RIGHT photographs (the accurate time to the event took place) to the right scenes or narration, so it won't give wrong information to the audience. The worst case, if there's NO proper photographs for such a scene (or to cover some accidental technical problem), so we have to do some 'tricky' job. Say, put a pic of Natsir in WELCOMING BOUQUET just to get the MOMENT of his releasing from jail, though that bouquet supposed to happened when he visited West Sumatra for other appointment. The lack of proper photographs also the reason why same pictures are showed many times in some scenes.
It's only a 19 minutes show, BUT if the measures of time based on SECONDS, that means hell! To see 40"-60" of man talking without anything else to see, will only make the audience getting bored and change the TV channels so easily. So we have to insert some various thing like pictures, footage, or clipping, to make the show more attractive. (However, this is a documentary program, not a 'Dangdut' Show!)
So, with 2 different Editors who work based on shift, I worked non stop since 7.30 pm until the real copy of Maestro was ready to deliver at 10.30 am. Actually it didn't have to be THAT long to finish the whole work, since it's already put together by my producer. Too bad I'm perfectionist and amateur as well! What a good combination to screw up the tight schedule!
I can't say that I'm not proud of this work. I am, though I had some butterflies flying on my stomach when my producer reviewed the final cut (that CAN NOT be revised anymore!). I keep praying that he would not irritate to some changes I've made that has been done by himself just before. Well, though he looked disagree to some scenes, he said it was not bad. Fiiuhhhh....
Anyhow, I was really enjoying the moment when surprising everyone at office in the morning. I'm famous as "Miss-Late of the Year". If there's no appointment, I prefer coming to office close to lunch time, so I don't have to wake up early in the morning. Yeaa...I knooow...(I can hear your disapproval! :P)
I continue my staying at office until 7.30 pm just because my body clock wanted me to go home at night, not in the hot, crowded, and sweaty day, that however wouldn't get me fall asleep and get some rest at the bus (and also at home). Though, according to the crowded and traffic jam, there's no different thing between day and night. At least, the darkness of night will 'camouflage' the body to rest automatically! Smartass eh? ;)
So, if you think you can stand watching documentary show tonight, be my pleasure. Any critic will be appreciated with a wide-opened arms! (sure from my producer!) :P
Yabedabedooo!! Mermaidslife's Gallery is up now! It contains Sketch, Snapshots, and Deezign, some of my inspiration showcase.
And proudly to say, I made the finishing cut for Maestro's tonight episode, M. Natsir, that will be running today, Sunday, Aug 3, 10.05-10.30 pm, Metro TV. THAT has made me staying awake for 34 hours last Thursday-Friday! Hell, it was the longest time I don't sleep at all! Hehe funny, because I can too sleep all day long like, Indonesian will say, 'Kerbau', or means Buffalo!)
That happened because my producer had to held some important meeting the next day, and nobody but me could replace him, as I was the one who was in charge completing this episode. He's already made the rough cut and I just have to add some more pictures to some scenes.
What stressing me out was the importance of this episode. Firstly, I never did the post-production work before. The farthest I've done was just collecting the interviewing scenes and deliver it to my producer who then make the rough cut (with editors), then finalize and deliver it to Metro. I write the synopsis sometimes, but not too necessary, sometimes my producer writes himself.
Sec, Natsir is one of the "Independence Day Theme" episodes, that profiling some of Founding Fathers who declared and involved in managing the independence of Indonesia, like Hamengkubuwono IX, Soekarno, Hatta, Sjahrir. So, the profile himself gave the extent to my tension!
He was our First Information Minister at 1946; the founded Prime Minister at 1949 (I forgot the exact time); Leader of Masyumi, the only Islamic Party at 1955, and the most important role of Islamic leader, in Indonesia and abroad. Some of his thought was adapted by Amien Rais, Nurcholish Madjid, and Yusril Ihza Mahendra. (They will be on screen, giving their opinion about Natsir, together with Rosihan Anwar, Deliar Noer, Husein Umar (Secretary of 'Dewan Dakwah', the Islamic organization Natsir's formed), and his son, Fauzie Natsir). To know who they are, just referring to Google to find out.
So I should screen over some reference books about him and the related history, putting RIGHT photographs (the accurate time to the event took place) to the right scenes or narration, so it won't give wrong information to the audience. The worst case, if there's NO proper photographs for such a scene (or to cover some accidental technical problem), so we have to do some 'tricky' job. Say, put a pic of Natsir in WELCOMING BOUQUET just to get the MOMENT of his releasing from jail, though that bouquet supposed to happened when he visited West Sumatra for other appointment. The lack of proper photographs also the reason why same pictures are showed many times in some scenes.
It's only a 19 minutes show, BUT if the measures of time based on SECONDS, that means hell! To see 40"-60" of man talking without anything else to see, will only make the audience getting bored and change the TV channels so easily. So we have to insert some various thing like pictures, footage, or clipping, to make the show more attractive. (However, this is a documentary program, not a 'Dangdut' Show!)
So, with 2 different Editors who work based on shift, I worked non stop since 7.30 pm until the real copy of Maestro was ready to deliver at 10.30 am. Actually it didn't have to be THAT long to finish the whole work, since it's already put together by my producer. Too bad I'm perfectionist and amateur as well! What a good combination to screw up the tight schedule!
I can't say that I'm not proud of this work. I am, though I had some butterflies flying on my stomach when my producer reviewed the final cut (that CAN NOT be revised anymore!). I keep praying that he would not irritate to some changes I've made that has been done by himself just before. Well, though he looked disagree to some scenes, he said it was not bad. Fiiuhhhh....
Anyhow, I was really enjoying the moment when surprising everyone at office in the morning. I'm famous as "Miss-Late of the Year". If there's no appointment, I prefer coming to office close to lunch time, so I don't have to wake up early in the morning. Yeaa...I knooow...(I can hear your disapproval! :P)
I continue my staying at office until 7.30 pm just because my body clock wanted me to go home at night, not in the hot, crowded, and sweaty day, that however wouldn't get me fall asleep and get some rest at the bus (and also at home). Though, according to the crowded and traffic jam, there's no different thing between day and night. At least, the darkness of night will 'camouflage' the body to rest automatically! Smartass eh? ;)
So, if you think you can stand watching documentary show tonight, be my pleasure. Any critic will be appreciated with a wide-opened arms! (sure from my producer!) :P
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
" Hijab and The Hypocricy "
Last night I have a great conversation with a friend, about her intention to wear Hijab. Still an idea, as she's still considering the pros and cons to her career and the way of life. She asked my advices, but I let her thinking and take her own decision without me interfering.
But the discussion itself was quite surprised to me, as I never expected she really thought about it. Once we discussed about hijab thing a year ago. Only a small talk, that she's planning to wear hijab after she got married and has a kid. That time would be the perfect time, when there'd be less ambition to want anything in the world (like before) except for the family. We'd have had a settled career (though only as a Mom), perfect family, and planned future. So, nothing wild except to be wiser. Still passionate, but when it comes to family, it would take more consideration.
Wearing hijab in the world called Indonesia, specifically in a big country like Jakarta, it's like a knife that cuts both ways, so damned hard. Paradoxial happens, not to mention about this hijab thing. Though it's famous as a Muslim country, 90% is Muslim, but only a few practice as a REAL Muslim, and only a few KNOW or CARE what ISLAM is really about. The way of thinking, behaviour, and attitudes, so far away to be called as ISLAMIC. I call it HYPOCRITE.
Being a Muslim in Indonesia, it's just like you descended your race, your skin color, your nationality, that 'accidently' packed together when you're born. Very few people try to find out, WHY it happens, HOW it happens, WHAT's the reasons. We take it as it is. So, we NEVER learn because we're TOO lazy to learn. We do as what public do in common, even we know it's wrong. The absolute justification is what the public believe.
Someone has written that we're just praying and devote ourselves merely to the religion, the system, the label, not to the Essence, the Creator of the religion itself, which is GOD. We're still cheating, mean to people, do sexual harassment, superstitious, devote life to other thing except God, while in the other side we declaring ourselves AS Muslim.
I really DON'T mind to anyone that has their own believe. Though I may not agree, I don't have any rights to forbid anyone or give judgment. Like others, I want to be respected, so I give respect. It's just the hypocricy that's really annoying me.
If you accept something, then do it RIGHTLY, TOTALLY. If you know a little, so don't say you're an expert. If you do something that religion says as 'bad', then except it, don't hiding under the masks and pretend that you're innocent. If you feel you do the same thing, then shut your mouth up and don't judging other people as the worse. Hell, I really fed up with all those Indonesian hypocrite!
If you feel you're not ready to wear hijab yet, then DON'T do it. Preparing yourself first, otherwise you'll just make bad impression, not to yourself but to the Islam itself. And honestly, wearing hijab only effect a little bit. I still have some sexual harassment, though now only did by their dirty talk or look, but I still can't handle it, as not just it happens along with the public judgement about women (remember that we live in patriarchal mind), but also because those women have made it worse!
Here, anything could turn to something 'new' that would fit to their own interest. Wearing hijab only when there is some religious occation. Suddenly all covered with an angel face and talk religiously. But when it's over, then the hijab is taken off, turn to sexy dress like before. Wearing hijab just to get public aknowledgement, but behind that still doing forbidden thing. Cover up the head but show off other body. Then what's the point? What's the difference between the one with hijab and the one without?
I know, I should not interfere to anyone's life. I don't mean to be that way and also say that any woman who doesn't wear hijab is bad. NO, just I want to make THIS clear. First, I want to put women and their roles in society, and how public see them generally. Second, the thought of hijab itself.
I've been mingle most of my life with guys, involve with their stories, conversation, and thought. So I'm pretty understood the way they think or what kind of women they're interested at. Most of the time, they only make women as a sexual object, guessing each other whether she's great in bed or not by analyzing her body. EVERYTHING is turn into sex. They don't show their respect anymore, as it happens to ANY WOMAN, even if she wears hijab. ANYTHING I heard is about cheating over partners, sexual habits, or prostitution (legally or not). And if I complain because they're become too much about this thing, they don't like it and turn the subject towards me. So how am I suppose to do? Leave it? I find it everywhere!
I've got some sexual harassment (physical) before I wear hijab, though I never wear sexy dress that will show my body. Let say, like in a bus when it was full packed of people and I didn't get a seat, or when I was a student at the University, did by my lecturer, when he intentionally touched his thing against my elbow, in the middle of examination. I couldn't ask for help, as he is educated, fatherly, religious, and in the top level at my Uni. Thanks God, it was final exam that I don't have to see him ever.
Considering to this facts, that sexual harassment is 'legally' considered as a right and common behavior, and there's no law that protect women from sexual harassment (even in rape cases, the punishment doesn't worth it comparing to what women have to deal with their future!), so it's really bugging me. I'm sick and tired to see hypocrisy everywhere here.
Living in this kind of world that use woman as an object, one of the purpose of wearing hijab is considered to minimize those intention. That it'd raise respect from others, especially from men. Maybe sounds unfair to generalize men as lack of respectfulness. But face the truth, most of men treat women as sex oriented.
The second thought of this matter; Like belief, decision to wear hijab is something that can't be pushed, though in Islam it's a must to every Muslim women. Despite, though anyone's FREE to choose to any option they want in life (by using their brain and knowledge), still, to any RIGHT decision, there's God's willing involved.
So, hijab is NOT just a cloth or the way of Muslim women is dressing. It's more beyond that. It's not just for covering your head, but also covering your heart, mind, and attitudes. It represents of WHAT, HOW, WHY, about the religion and God, The Creator. There's big responsibility over your shoulder to represent it RIGHTLY and PROPERLY. It reflects the whole thing. So, if it did wrongly and uncomplitely, the impression will reach beyond the hijab itself.
Hijab to Muslim women is like the second protection after shalat (5 times main praying) to find our path in life. If shalat can't make us reconsider to some decision we have to make, so hijab gives the extent of justification to be more careful. Because hijab, not like praying, is something that EASILY seen and subjectively judged by public opinion. You wear hijab, meaning you're a Muslim. If you do bad thing, meaning the bad impression will not only stamped to you, but to the religion itself. So, it's a hard task, however it's not difficult.
I hope you've got my point.
Last night I have a great conversation with a friend, about her intention to wear Hijab. Still an idea, as she's still considering the pros and cons to her career and the way of life. She asked my advices, but I let her thinking and take her own decision without me interfering.
But the discussion itself was quite surprised to me, as I never expected she really thought about it. Once we discussed about hijab thing a year ago. Only a small talk, that she's planning to wear hijab after she got married and has a kid. That time would be the perfect time, when there'd be less ambition to want anything in the world (like before) except for the family. We'd have had a settled career (though only as a Mom), perfect family, and planned future. So, nothing wild except to be wiser. Still passionate, but when it comes to family, it would take more consideration.
Wearing hijab in the world called Indonesia, specifically in a big country like Jakarta, it's like a knife that cuts both ways, so damned hard. Paradoxial happens, not to mention about this hijab thing. Though it's famous as a Muslim country, 90% is Muslim, but only a few practice as a REAL Muslim, and only a few KNOW or CARE what ISLAM is really about. The way of thinking, behaviour, and attitudes, so far away to be called as ISLAMIC. I call it HYPOCRITE.
Being a Muslim in Indonesia, it's just like you descended your race, your skin color, your nationality, that 'accidently' packed together when you're born. Very few people try to find out, WHY it happens, HOW it happens, WHAT's the reasons. We take it as it is. So, we NEVER learn because we're TOO lazy to learn. We do as what public do in common, even we know it's wrong. The absolute justification is what the public believe.
Someone has written that we're just praying and devote ourselves merely to the religion, the system, the label, not to the Essence, the Creator of the religion itself, which is GOD. We're still cheating, mean to people, do sexual harassment, superstitious, devote life to other thing except God, while in the other side we declaring ourselves AS Muslim.
I really DON'T mind to anyone that has their own believe. Though I may not agree, I don't have any rights to forbid anyone or give judgment. Like others, I want to be respected, so I give respect. It's just the hypocricy that's really annoying me.
If you accept something, then do it RIGHTLY, TOTALLY. If you know a little, so don't say you're an expert. If you do something that religion says as 'bad', then except it, don't hiding under the masks and pretend that you're innocent. If you feel you do the same thing, then shut your mouth up and don't judging other people as the worse. Hell, I really fed up with all those Indonesian hypocrite!
If you feel you're not ready to wear hijab yet, then DON'T do it. Preparing yourself first, otherwise you'll just make bad impression, not to yourself but to the Islam itself. And honestly, wearing hijab only effect a little bit. I still have some sexual harassment, though now only did by their dirty talk or look, but I still can't handle it, as not just it happens along with the public judgement about women (remember that we live in patriarchal mind), but also because those women have made it worse!
Here, anything could turn to something 'new' that would fit to their own interest. Wearing hijab only when there is some religious occation. Suddenly all covered with an angel face and talk religiously. But when it's over, then the hijab is taken off, turn to sexy dress like before. Wearing hijab just to get public aknowledgement, but behind that still doing forbidden thing. Cover up the head but show off other body. Then what's the point? What's the difference between the one with hijab and the one without?
I know, I should not interfere to anyone's life. I don't mean to be that way and also say that any woman who doesn't wear hijab is bad. NO, just I want to make THIS clear. First, I want to put women and their roles in society, and how public see them generally. Second, the thought of hijab itself.
I've been mingle most of my life with guys, involve with their stories, conversation, and thought. So I'm pretty understood the way they think or what kind of women they're interested at. Most of the time, they only make women as a sexual object, guessing each other whether she's great in bed or not by analyzing her body. EVERYTHING is turn into sex. They don't show their respect anymore, as it happens to ANY WOMAN, even if she wears hijab. ANYTHING I heard is about cheating over partners, sexual habits, or prostitution (legally or not). And if I complain because they're become too much about this thing, they don't like it and turn the subject towards me. So how am I suppose to do? Leave it? I find it everywhere!
I've got some sexual harassment (physical) before I wear hijab, though I never wear sexy dress that will show my body. Let say, like in a bus when it was full packed of people and I didn't get a seat, or when I was a student at the University, did by my lecturer, when he intentionally touched his thing against my elbow, in the middle of examination. I couldn't ask for help, as he is educated, fatherly, religious, and in the top level at my Uni. Thanks God, it was final exam that I don't have to see him ever.
Considering to this facts, that sexual harassment is 'legally' considered as a right and common behavior, and there's no law that protect women from sexual harassment (even in rape cases, the punishment doesn't worth it comparing to what women have to deal with their future!), so it's really bugging me. I'm sick and tired to see hypocrisy everywhere here.
Living in this kind of world that use woman as an object, one of the purpose of wearing hijab is considered to minimize those intention. That it'd raise respect from others, especially from men. Maybe sounds unfair to generalize men as lack of respectfulness. But face the truth, most of men treat women as sex oriented.
The second thought of this matter; Like belief, decision to wear hijab is something that can't be pushed, though in Islam it's a must to every Muslim women. Despite, though anyone's FREE to choose to any option they want in life (by using their brain and knowledge), still, to any RIGHT decision, there's God's willing involved.
So, hijab is NOT just a cloth or the way of Muslim women is dressing. It's more beyond that. It's not just for covering your head, but also covering your heart, mind, and attitudes. It represents of WHAT, HOW, WHY, about the religion and God, The Creator. There's big responsibility over your shoulder to represent it RIGHTLY and PROPERLY. It reflects the whole thing. So, if it did wrongly and uncomplitely, the impression will reach beyond the hijab itself.
Hijab to Muslim women is like the second protection after shalat (5 times main praying) to find our path in life. If shalat can't make us reconsider to some decision we have to make, so hijab gives the extent of justification to be more careful. Because hijab, not like praying, is something that EASILY seen and subjectively judged by public opinion. You wear hijab, meaning you're a Muslim. If you do bad thing, meaning the bad impression will not only stamped to you, but to the religion itself. So, it's a hard task, however it's not difficult.
I hope you've got my point.
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