" It's soooo....predictable! "
All this time, I keep delaying my timeless desire to study abroad and stop trying to pursue some scholarships opportunity, just because some undecided decision that I barely could take. Decision to choose between career or family (though since 2001 - the first time I submitted the application to British Council - until now, there's STILL noone walking me down the isle!), decision to earn and save money first before invest to education, or even decision to choose which subject is the most suitable with my skills and idealism.
For a long time, I've been describing myself as someone who has so many interests, has so many dreams, has so many plans, but in contrary, I also have lack of confidence, worry too much, confused too much, and sometimes don't want to leave my comfort zone. I'm also worried with my so-so academic grade. I'm worried with my English skills. I'm worried if I chose the wrong major because I couldn't decide whether to choose my interest/skills or idealism for my future. I'm also worried if pursuing study will set me aside from marriage and have family, in the other hand, time can't stop me to grow old. I'm also worried that choosing study than find a guy to marry, will cause more sadness to my parents.
Yet, I'm also soo...worried if I left behind when everyone has reached their dreams and live at satisfaction. I'm worried if I stood helplessly unskilled and unprepared when foreign workers occupying the remained decent jobs because of the free market. I'm worried if I would't have properly knowledge or worldy mind to contribute to the civilization. I'm worried I'd raise my children without dignity because I couldn't provide a better living, a better education, and a better option. I'm also worried if I never had a chance to do what I want to do when I'm already no longer single, and couldn't fill my adventurous mind and the need of accomplishment and life long education.
Blah-blah-blah. Why on earth I keep telling people a pathetic-shameful-desperate news such like this over and over again?? Never change, never learn. And you're getting older without even realized!
Despite I'm a big dreamer, I'm also a terrible dreamer!
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FYI, and to break the inconsistency of myself, today, I'm going to Aminef in Gunung Sahari. Going to attend their weekly pre-admission and apply for membership. I've got a 'enlightment' to take Media Studies/Documentary. I don't know if this would be a temporary choise or not. Not a big deal, but better to try than not!
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Monday, April 17, 2006
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