" The March 29's Surprise "


He sent me a message, the old man, the old story, the one who blocks my way to fall in love again, the one who taught me to separate dream and reality. Do I feel shocked? Do I feel excited? Do I feel happy? Frankly, emptiness is all I have. Nothing. Too surprised have my mind, my heart stopped their sense to feel. And this make me happy.

Just thought about something. For months I believe something beyond my rational mind, that something will gonna happen in the future, in certain time, I don't know what it is, what kinda thing it would be. But it happened. The feeling, something like a faith inside, did happened for few times. Not a psychic, but more to intuition, starting since he existed in my life in 2001-2002. But when he left, didn't take too long to the intuition to run after him, just as easy as he did. And I never think about it anymore. At least I'm trying. Just to know his name still exists in my mind, make me crazy and vulnerable.

And today, March 29, a time that I've once told about it to my friends, I guess on December a year before (I'm amazed they still wanna hear about it), that something will happen, I don't know what, on March 29. We were laughing and guessing each one, that maybe on that time I'll be proposed to get married or got a loving boyfriend to replace his domination ever after...I believe, they were just trying, and I was also, to cheer me up and forget about that-horrible-pathetic-shamefull-whatever you want to call it- what so called love story, and create any imagination we could.

And today, exactly on March 29, I just found out that he sent me a message two days ago.

You know what I'm doing right now? Crying? Noo...Upset? Noo...Excited? No either...

I'm laughing without any sound...I smile in bitterness...not because of my happiness, or a reflection of feel hopeless...just...

I don't understand life, at all, not even close. And my natural self protection not to be carried away and to feel hope, just make me laugh. I laugh at life that brought to me, just because I could never understand it. The up and down, the sadness and happiness phase, the roller coaster of life.

I'm surprised, and I'm glad to get his message, as I bear in mind that he would never show up his existence since after. Somehow, I'm still afraid to grace God, afraid that this is actually another test of life, after I finally give up and let life bring me to wherever it wants.

Actually, what had happened and still happening to my love life, all the rejection and the pain, doesn't make me stronger, but has shaped my ignorance level even better than before. And I think I deserve it. Deserve to have my last protection, to protect myself from my own self for being hurt.